Sharp Left Turns

I have always told God that I trusted the plan He had for me. Yet when I made that promise, I envisioned Him sticking mainly to the plan I had for my own life. I could handle a twist here or a turn there, but I never thought he would give me a sharp left turn- far away from what I told Him I wanted. I realize that God’s plan is much better than my own and He has great plans for me, but really God? Was my own plan that bad? He answered, “Trust me Allison.”

I repeated the lyrics of one of my favorite songs over and over in my head.

“All my dreams, all my plans, Lord I leave them in your hands.” –Unspoken

The week after finding out about my son’s Spina Bifida was undoubtedly the hardest week I have experienced…so far. The morning after we found out I woke to the smell of breakfast cooking and music playing. Bryce was in the kitchen, singing and dancing. He had gotten up early and bought a bouquet of bright yellow sun flowers which were in a vase on the dining room table. You only need to be around Bryce once to know he is a great man. The most selfless, positive, hardworking and faithful person I have ever known. I am so lucky.

If only I could have matched his positivity. The truth is, I didn’t eat for 3 ½ days. Not the healthiest choice for a pregnant, nursing, Diabetic mom, but I could not eat. I only fed Weston Graham crackers.  Bryce desperately tried to get me to eat something, making my favorite foods but the cause was lost. I lost 5 pounds. I told him I needed to let myself feel the pain and then I promised I would move on. So he let me feel the pain. He let me sleep the day away, washed my tear soaked pillow case, and then he would wake me up and force me to go to Target with him to buy toilet paper. He let me be sad, but then made me chose happiness. It’s easier said than done when every cell in your body hurts and taking a breath uses all your energy. I wept on the couch for hours and hours and my baby boy would stand by me, patting my back, crying, “Momma, Momma.” I felt so much guilt that he knew what was happening. I forced as many smiles through the tears as I could.

Weston got some grapes out of the fridge to feed himself one day. 16 months old. 

It was as though I was walking through a fog. The sun in the sky looked grey and gloomy. Suddenly I was a foreigner in a world I didn't recognize. Everyone else was just living their lives and I was watching it. I managed to still go to family gatherings and play dates and explain matter-of-factly all the surgeries my son will be facing. I heard people tell me I should abort him and that he will burden my life (only one person.) Most people just gave me a sad look and said, “Remember, God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Really? Because it feels like he has given me a lot…pushed me to the brink actually. Those people don’t know the shattering heartbreak of something happening to their innocent child. I needed to be affirmed in what I was feeling. That it was crappy and intense and that the loss of the life you once pictured in something worth grieving. I needed to get to feel sad, just for one week.

An incredible thing also happened that week. People came out of the woodwork. Not necessarily the people we expected to come by our side, but there was not a moment we felt alone. Friends showed up with meals and tears in their eyes. They sat by me on the couch and listened to me for hours. They put Weston in his high chair and fed him a real meal and changed his diaper. They brought dance dvd’s for me to watch and Disney movies for Weston to pass the time. They surprised us at our doorstep at 10 pm and sat in our bedroom with us let us be sad, then made us laugh. They took me to brunch and asked me to explain Spina Bifida. They took my kid for the day so he had something positive to be around. They prayed with us. They called relentlessly, text every day and sent the most heartfelt emails and messages. Most importantly, they told me how excited they were to meet Miles.

It’s a humbling thing to need help so badly. My physical, emotional and spiritual needs were at their greatest that week. I clung to God and talked to Him all day. He was so present. But I simply could not have gotten through the week if it weren’t for those that didn’t pretend to have the perfect thing to say or do, they just made themselves present. Having a tangible friend by your side is a powerful healing source. It has taught me so much about how to react to others’ heartache. I have at times been afraid to step on toes or intrude on a hard time but the reality is, I was protecting myself from feeling uncomfortable. I’m sure I made people feel uncomfortable that week but no one ever made me feel that way. I understand that many just don’t know what to do, so they do nothing. Or they say, “Let me know how I can help.” I had no capacity to recognize my needs and delegate them to people. Could you please wipe my tears? You make sure my son is fed? You ask my husband how he is holding up? Could you text every day, even if I don’t respond? I am so grateful that God strategically placed the people in my life that I needed in that moment.

I rarely cried around other people. I’ve never been one to cry a lot in public. Not because I am ashamed of crying, in fact a good cry does wonders. It must be a coping mechanism because believe me, behind closed doors I wept until my tears dried up. One of my biggest fears had been that close family and friends won’t bother to learn all that is entailed in Miles’ disability and help me with him. I thought I would be stuck at home all day. At my women’s bible study I shared this fear and I cried. A close friend turned to me and looked me in the eye and said something that has meant more to me than she could ever know. “I can’t wait to meet Miles and watch your sons. I will learn to care for whatever his needs are and you and Bryce will still go on dates and take care of your marriage.” I needed to hear that so badly. She is the only person that said that to me and I knew she meant it because she has watched Weston so many times. It has made me much more courageous in moving forward.

Moms of Spina Bifida children reached out. They emailed, called me and met me at a moment’s notice to tell me that everything I’m feeling is ok and it won’t last forever. They gave me recommendations on surgeons and let me meet their children. Moms have so much guts. Being a mom is not for the weak of heart.

I have had a favorite song since college but it has a whole new meaning now. I have sang it countless times but I now know that I learned this song for this moment of life. For the hundreds of hours I have helped friends through breakups, job transitions and friend drama, I have often used the words from this song.

If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if You want me to