Dear Caleb- Fetal Surgery Day

Mommy and Caleb

My dear sweet son Caleb,

I am focusing right now on our team. Me and you, you and me. You have helped me along the way in making the hardest choice of my life; to risk so much for something so uncertain. You never made me make the decision alone. You remind me daily of your strength as you kick and punch me stronger than your brothers ever did. I also know you are a jokester. Once the monitors are on you, you persistently dance away from them so nurses have to chase you around. All along the way, you have reminded me that you are going to be ok and have even comforted me through my fears by giving me a tickle when I'm feeling vulnerable.

You are such a good son Caleb. I desperately want the best life for you, yet you are so much more than how well your spinal cord functions. You are a son of God and a gift to me and daddy. There is nothing sad about your diagnosis because I already know that the blood that runs through those tiny veins holds an interesting, strong and brave little man. A third brother to make us a laugh at the dinner table. A son that will wrap his arms around my neck and tell me he loves me. A future husband to a wonderful woman who will know she has met someone very special.

There is absolutely nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you and if I never get to meet you on this side of life, I still feel you completed me as a mother. You stretched me harder than I thought I could go, crashing me into life scenarios that pushed me right into God's arms where I belong. I'm so lucky you found me fit enough to be your mommy. I will never take this opportunity for granted. I've spent my life saying I would take any amount of physical pain to relieve the emotional pain for my children. I hope that's what I'm doing for you today.

Don't worry my love. You may feel a little scared or hurt or not completely understand why this is all happening today but I'm right here with you. I hope to take the worst of it away so you can get back to healing and growing and cracking me up like you so often do. I will keep you safe, no matter what it takes. You never need to thank me for this. Just please love your future kids the same way. Don't let fear dictate your choices for them, but the peace and presence of our Heavenly Father.

It's going to be ok son, I promise. Weston, Miles, daddy and me are all waiting for you. Just do your best and you will have made me the proudest momma in the whole world. When we have bad days during this, we are in it together and you will always see a twinkle in my eye as you look at me through life because I'll never forget this special bond we created. We are so lucky Caleb. No, I'm lucky because I have you. We are after the same rainbows end my baby.

Love, Mommy