 |
| Miles, 12 Months Old |
Lists are so cool right now. If an article isn’t in list
form, it isn’t worth reading. Therefore I’m creating my own list. A list with a
twist. I have read many posts lately on “The 10 Things You Should Never Say to
A Special Needs Parent/ Someone Grieving/ Someone With A Limp/ Someone with A
Lazy Eye/ Someone Who Expected More On Their Tax Return/ Someone That Got A “C”
On Their Spanish Test." You get the idea. These lists put us all in a precarious
situation. We could all easily slip and say the forbidden cliché that our
Facebook friend specifically told us not to! The nerve of those that are trying
to care.
I have been in one of the above stated demographics for the
past year or so and I need to point something out. If anybody puts effort into
attempting to bring you words of love or wisdom, appreciate them. It’s
extremely hard and brave to come up with the best things to say so let’s not
shame each other for the effort. Every “Like”, message, text, cliché remark,
hug, lunch, flower, tear means someone is feeling your pain. Let’s celebrate
how hardships break down barriers and let us see through the nonsense. Your
crappy Spanish test could actually make the world a better place.
1. It seems like
God has given you a lot to handle and you are doing it beautifully.
There are times in the
midst of hard things it feels like God has given you more than you can handle.
That’s because He has. He wants you to lean on Him. If you feel yourself about
to say “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” try substituting the
above line instead.
2. If I am ever
in your shoes, I hope that I maintain the joy that you do.
You feel the words
bubbling over. You so badly want to say, “I could never do what you are doing.”
And of course you mean this from a good place. The truth us, you could handle
it and you would. We are all dealt difficult things and it looks different for
everyone. If you admire the way someone deals with their circumstance, let them
know!
3. Your child is
so beautiful. I would love to be educated on their disability.
No need to run, avert
your eyes or say, “Look at that poor child.” We are proud of our kids and want
to show them off just as you do!
4. You seem like
you have a lot of love to give. You should have more children!
Sometimes when your
child has a birth defect or disability, it’s natural to blame yourself. I have
done this to myself a million times. It’s a horrible feeling. Once a woman in
my home said to me, “I have never seen anyone look as tired as you. You
definitely shouldn’t have more children. Your plate is full.” The truth is, I
do want more children. I want them to be healthy but I also just love my babies
no matter what. Which leads me to #5.
5. Everything is
going to be ok. I promise.
I love saying this to
people and I love it when they say it to me. Sometimes parents worry a lot. We
worry about our current children and the ones we haven’t even had yet! Let’s
keep it encouraging, capeesh?
6. Some days are
really going to suck. But then most days are going to be filled with joy.
This is my favorite
and was said to me by my friend Ashleigh a day after I got my son’s diagnosis.
This sums up everything you should ever say to another human. Affirm their pain
and then offer hope. No one appreciates it when you brush aside their
suffering. Yet there is no need to dwindle. It’s there and real and we should
experience it. And then we should choose joy.
7. There is
nothing normal about your everyday life but there is a special meaning for your
child’s life.
One of the first
things my husband said to me when we knew our son would be born with a
disability was, “All I wanted is a normal life.” When I shared this deep fear,
we often heard, “What is normal anyway?” Well, seeing your child’s heart stop
isn’t normal. Go back to the lesson on #6: Affirm then offer hope.
8. That sounds
really challenging but I can see the love in your eyes.
I meet people all the
time and it comes up in conversation that I have a critically ill son. “I’m so
sorry,” is always response. Hey, it’s a
natural response. I say it to people constantly. But honestly I don’t want
anyone to feel sad and sorry about my beautiful life.
9. The suffering
of children is hard to make sense of.
Ain’t this one the
truth! We don’t know why everything happens but we do know God is in charge.
Sometimes bad things happen in this world for no good reason because it’s a
fallen world. So let’s skip over, “Everything happens for a reason.”
10. I will be at
your house at 10 am to bring you lunch/ pick up your kids/ water your plants/
feed your pet alien/ deworm your cat. I won’t take no for an answer.
This one is very
important. At my darkest times, I have found myself turning to the same people
over and over again for help. It’s because they were adamant. People lovingly
say, “Let me know if you need anything,” but articulating your needs is difficult
and embarrassing. I recently walked in to my house while my son was in the
hospital and my girlfriends were filling my freezer with food, unannounced. They
poured me wine and told me to shower. That’s a good friend.
11. *HUG*
There aren’t always
words for everything. There is something powerful in the unspoken. A few days
after I had my son, I went to church. My friend came to give me a bear hug and
I burst into tears. Her hug made me feel safe. We stayed in that embrace for
over 5 minutes and we both cried. I didn’t say anything and neither did she. We
didn’t need to. There was pain and no words could help. Let’s all hug each
other more.
12. You are a
Super Mom.
Say this to every mom
you know as much as possible! It gives people all sorts of warm fuzzies!
If you have word vomited the wrong thing to someone or your
bestie worked hard to formulate the same words you have heard a hundred times,
don’t fret! We are all trying and even if it comes out wrong, hypersensitivity just
puts well-meaning loved ones on edge. Don’t discourage the conversation by
setting strict rules. Is my son handicapped, disabled, impaired, developmentally
behind? Yes all of them and none of them. There is no perfect word and these
are just words we use to describe a circumstance, not the true human. Lighten
up, hug it out, and keep talking.
